


It Was Never Meant To Be This Way

by betweentwopines



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Kylo Ren Angst, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Trailer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-09-28 20:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20432195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betweentwopines/pseuds/betweentwopines
Summary: Kylo Ren mourns the loss of his mother.





	It Was Never Meant To Be This Way

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first posted fanfic. Please be kind and hope you enjoy!

Kylo Ren stood on the bridge of the _Finalizer_ surrounded by the beings who served him out of fear or out of some twisted loyalty to a vision of a better galaxy. Kylo’s grief was almost overwhelming, relentlessly pressing against his mind, his soul, his heart, but he didn’t allow it to show. His mask was on; he was hidden. He wanted to cave in on himself, let the tidal wave of loss carry him away to a place where he could feel everything in blinding color, away from his place in the galaxy, where it was just him and no one else. No obligations, and no judgmental oafs. A place where he could feel without reprimand or disdain. But he didn’t cave. He wouldn’t, couldn’t, allow himself to feel in that way. 

Kylo closed his eyes and reached out through the Force. It had been so long since he searched for her, but as always, the path to her was clear. But this time, there was no warmth of her presence. The cold void where she should be was weeping with tendrils of pain, like it had just been ripped from existence, which it had been. Leia wasn’t a peaceful person by any means, but she didn’t deserve to go out like that. So suddenly and violently that the Force itself cried out at her loss and looked to him for answers. His fault. His army. His weapons. His fault. 

_Your fault. Because of you she’s-_

He slammed the door shut on that voice. His voice.

His mother was dead. He should feel good, free. He had nothing holding him back now. Everyone connected to his past self was dead. He was free from them. It was what Snoke had preached to him for so long. No love, no light. No light, only darkness. Only darkness can allow him to be as strong as Vader. But there was another reaction, one he didn’t expect, one of overwhelming grief. The feeling that he had just lost a part of himself that he could never get back. The feeling that no matter what he did this was something he would never recover from. 

His mother was gone. Dead. There was no chance for light to find him now. He should be pleased, but he wasn’t. He was sad. He was angry. Pure, raw rage, like a fire inside him. All directed at him. This was all his fault. He hadn’t been strong enough to keep her alive. He could’ve found a way. He knew that. He was the Supreme Leader. The officers and troops would listen to him. But he hadn’t done a thing. A part of him still believed Snoke. That with his past dead, he wouldn’t feel the pull of the light. But he still did. How weak was he that he couldn’t be decisive in his own decisions? That he couldn’t just choose the dark and keep out the light? That he couldn’t keep his mother alive? How weak that Han’s death had split his heart in two, and now Leia’s would do the same. That wasn’t supposed to happen. With them dead he should be living in darkness, thriving even. But somehow, he only felt the pull of his parents stronger when they were gone. 

He was nothing. Weaker than a blade of grass. Snoke was right. He was useless, unbalanced. He was doomed to never reach complete darkness. He was doomed to fail. He was a failure. Everyone was right. He never did amount to anything. He never became the Jedi they believed him to be. He never lived up to that mighty Skywalker bloodline. The only thing he’d accomplished was people shivering in dread when they heard his name. He was a monster, killing and destroying all he could and failing to reach his goals every time, making every instance of death and destruction an act in vain. Everything he had done was pointless. 

His mother was dead. There wasn’t a soul left in the galaxy that cared about him. Kylo was alone. Truly alone. There was nothing left in life but darkness, and somehow that looked the most lonely thing of all. But after everything he’d done, every failure, he had no choice. He’d have to fight to surrender to the darkness. He couldn’t set motionless anymore. He had to choose. Light or dark. He had to forcefully rip out the losing side from his soul. It should’ve been an easy decision. But it wasn’t. 

His mother was dead. There was nothing left for him. It should be an easy decision. He shouldn’t be torn up by indecision. He shouldn’t feel like taking a step along either of the paths before him was the scariest thing he’d ever faced. He shouldn’t feel this way. His mother was dead. 

A trail of wet, salty liquid flowed along both his cheeks, hidden by the mask. His hands were fisted so tight that he was starting to lose feeling in them. 

This was wrong. It was all wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. _It was never meant to be this way. You were never meant to be this. _Words from inside of him. It sounded like his mother’s voice mixed with a softer feminine voice, but not Rey. It eased over his soul, bathing him in peace. He breathed, feeling like it was the first time he’d taken a breath of fresh air in years. His hands slowly unfisted, the tense set of his shoulders faded. 

In his mind, he saw Rey. Her brown hair up in those three buns. She still looked like a scavenger but wearing lighter colored garments. It made the differences between them stark. She was light in her white hooded tunic. He was dark in his black caped ensemble. However, they stood not as enemies but as friends. She clasped his hand in her own. He swore he could physically feel the warmth in his own hand, even though he knew it was all in his mind. Then darkness swooped in and stole the peace, and the girl, left him standing alone surrounded by darkness and freezing cold. He heard the sound of Vader’s breathing. He knew it was his destiny. His legacy come to claim him. Laughter, evil and cackling. His hands fisted once more, but he felt warmth in his right hand. He looked down and saw Rey’s hand in his. 

_I’d never felt so alone in my life. _

_You’re not alone. _

_Neither are you. _

And then Kylo was back on the bridge of the _Finalizer_, watching as his army reigned death and destruction on the rebel planet below, knowing without a doubt that this vision was of the future, knowing that his time to choose was coming, and when it came there was a possibility he wouldn’t be alone. But that time wasn’t here yet, and he was still angry. 

“Prepare my ship.”

He was going down to the surface. Surely someone down there could put up a good fight, and if not, if it was all slaughter upon the blade of his lightsaber, that was fine too. His soul twisted painfully, but he ignored it, only thinking about one thing. His mother was dead.


End file.
